Adopt(ed): FAQ

You probably have 1000 questions for us, hopefully this will answer 11 of them!

1. Why Adopt? Why Adopt an Older Child?
You might be wondering "Why did they decide to adopt? Are they unable to have Children?" The truth is, we don't know (and it wouldn't matter even if we did). At this point God has not chosen to bless us with children, but He has laid it on our hearts to pursue adoption. This was as much a surprise to us as it is to you!

The two of us have always had the mindset that if God blessed us with children, that they would be the love of our lives and we would be the best parents we could be, but if He didn't bless us with children, then that would be okay too because we would enjoy our relationship with each other. It never occurred to us that He might want us to adopt. Then in 2016 He began to whisper adoption into our hearts separately. We had no idea that the other person had even considered it. Then in Jan. 2017 the topic of adoption came up and that's when we realized we had both been thinking about it.

As we began to consider adoption, the answer to the question "Why should we adopt?" became very clear:

Personally - We have the desire to be a mom and dad and to do all of those things that come with parenting. Without children, there seems to be a part of life that is missing.

Spiritually - Scripture tells us to take care of the widows and the orphans (children who need family) (James 1:27) and it tells us to be generous with the things that God has given us (Matthew 10:8). God has given us a loving family, including our parents and siblings, a nice house with an extra room, and jobs with good income. We can think of no better way to fulfill this call, than to share these things with a child in need.

Socially - Many people choose infant adoption, but there is a greater need for older child adoption. And these older children need forever families, too. We feel children greatly benefit from having forever families, who love and care for them, who promote positive things in their lives and who have the patience to show them grace in times of disobedience and mistakes. For us, adoption, is the morally right thing to do.

2. Aren't you afraid?
You bet we are, but we know two things. First, Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. And Second Phillipians 4:13 I am able to do all things through him who strengthens me.

Anytime we face the unknown there is usually at least a little bit of fear. And since we have never been parents before, the unknown of parenthood comes with a lot of fear. Add to that, the fact that the children who are available for adoption have experienced some level of trauma in their life. This trauma has caused emotional wounds and scars that most children (and parents) don't have to worry about. But as parents of an adopted child, it will be up to us to help the child heal. What trauma will our child have faced? We don't know... What kind of healing will they need? We don't know... What trials and difficulties will we face? We don't know...
All of these unknowns add to our level of fear, but we conquer these fears in three ways. First we rely on the two scriptures above. We know that God would not call us into adoption if He did not have a plan for success (that doesn't mean it will be easy). Furthermore, we know that He equips us for what He has called us to do, and that means that we truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Secondly, there are many things we can do to minimize some of the unknowns (also see the question "What if...?"). We actually have a lot of choice in who we adopt and what levels of trauma we will accept. Additionally, our adoption specialist also knows what to look for and can give us great insight as we go forward.

And third, we have received a lot of training that teaches us what to look for and how to help a child heal. Much of this training is required by the state or our adoption agency, but in addition to that training there have been some very helpful books that have taught us more than we ever could have imagined. The two books we currently recommend are "The Connected Child" by Purvis, Cross and Sunshine and the second book is "Boundaries with Kids" by Cloud and Townsend. We would recommend these books to everyone...not just parents or adoptive parents!
Back to top

3. What if...?

There are a lot of "What if..." questions you face as a potential adoptive parent. What if my child doesn't heal? What if we never emotionally connect? What if they tell me something about their past that I don't know how to deal with? What if I'm not a good parent? What if... What if.. What if...
While there will always be "What if..." scenarios, the process we are going through will actually help us eliminate a lot of these "What if..." situations.
First of all, we are working with Bethany Christian Services and have an Adoption Specialist. Our Specialist has been working with us from the start and knows a lot about who we are and what we can handle. She has led our PATH classes, she has visited our home, we have met with her individually and together. She then takes everything she knows about us and writes a home study about us. Needless to say, she probably knows us better than we know ourselves and has a good understanding of the type of children and what types of trauma we would be best suited for. As we find children (Adoptuskids.org) that we think are potential matches, our Specialist will look at the child's file and then advise us on whether she thinks we might be a potential fit.
If our Specialist thinks the child is a potential match, we then submit the home study to the case worker of that child. The case worker then looks over all of the home studies that have been submitted, and picks out who they think would be best suited for the child. At this point, if we were chosen by the case worker, that means that - we think we would be a good match, our adviser thinks we would be a good match and the child's case worker thinks we would be a good match. The point is, there are a lot of mechanisms put into place that will help us eliminate much of the unknown.
Additionally, before we are even approved to adopt, we go through a lot of training to help us deal with many of the "What if..." scenarios we may face. Obviously we can't cover every situation possible, but the training we have received has certainly helped prepare us for what lies ahead.
I think many of the "What if..." fears people have, come from a misconception that this happens incredibly fast. We imagine that once you decide to adopt an older child, the next day a social worker shows up on your door with someone you have never met before and don't know a thing about. But this just is not the case. The process is much longer and we will know a lot about the child we are adopting before that decision is ever made. In fact, some would say that we will have a better idea of what to expect of our adopted child than we would a natural born child.
Back to top

4. How long does the adoption process take?

It could be short, it could be long. On average it takes 1 year before a child is placed in a home. We started the process in April 2017 and our training, approval and home study will be complete in Aug 2017. So, we are already 4 months into the process before we are ever approved to be adoptive parents. But now that we are approved, we really have no idea how long it will be before we are matched with a child and they are placed in our home.
Even if we were matched tomorrow, there is still a process that we go through before the child is officially placed in our home. That process can take 1, 2, 3 months or longer. By the same token it may be one or two years before we are matched. Our Home Study is good for 3 years (with updates needed annually).
Once a child is officially placed in our home, we still have a minimum of 6 months of being foster parents to that child before we can legally adopt them. Part of the reason that this process is so long, is because everyone wants to make sure that we are the right family for the child. And at any point during this process the case worker, child or we can decide that this is not the right place and can end the process. Of course, we want to minimize adding any additional trauma to the child, so every precaution is taken to make sure this is a good match from the beginning and before the child is placed. At the end of the day, when and if we are matched with a child and permanent adoption takes place is up to God.

5. Where do the Children come from?

There are children all over the world and in every community who need a forever family, however, we are limiting our search to the United States and more specifically to Tennessee and surrounding states. Adoptuskids.org keeps a searchable database of children who are available for adoption. While we are including surrounding states in our search, case workers typically try to keep children in the same state and try not to make them move too far. Many of these children have siblings or other family members and sometimes foster families that they want to stay in touch with and maintain some sort of relationship with. With that being said, out of state adoption is still a possibility and does happen.
Most of these children are ready to adopt, meaning that all birth parent's rights (and other family rights) have already been terminated by the courts and they are legally free to be adopted. A few of the children will be listed as "Legal Risk" meaning there are still a few legal things that birth parents or family can do to get their children back but this is not the case for most children listed on the website.
Keep in mind that the courts do not casually terminate rights of birth parents and family. They have given families every opportunity (perhaps even to a fault) to make things right so they can be reunited. And there are some children whose parents have passed away. Regardless the children who are ready to be adopted have probably been in the system and living in a foster home for almost 2 years before they are even listed as available for adoption. The downside to this is that it means these children have been enduring many years of uncertainty and confusion. The upside is that there is a foster family who can give us a lot of helpful information about the child and where they are in the healing process.
Back to top

6. How are you matched?

There are primarily 3 ways that we can be initially matched once our home study is completed and approved. First, we can search the database at Adoptuskids.org and look for children who have similar interests as ourselves. If we find a child that we think might be a match, we can then ask for more information from our Adoption Specialist. The second way we can be matched is that our Adoption Specialist can find a child they think is a match and then recommend them to us. The third way is that once our home study is complete, we sign up for a profile at Adoptuskids.org and then case workers can find us. Ultimately the case worker is working on the behalf of the child and the Adoption Specialist is working on our behalf.
Typically speaking because our Adoption Specialist is working with multiple couples at a time and since case workers are already overloaded with many children, usually the match is found and initiated by the adoptive parents. Fortunately, during our training, we learned a lot about the different levels of trauma and different areas of trauma. At the end of our home study, we took some time to think about what types and levels of trauma we are willing to accept into our home. Each child that is available for adoption has been evaluated for these different areas and types of trauma, so in addition to finding children with similar interests, we also look for children with types and level of trauma that we believe we are best suited for. Of course, there are some trauma symptoms that do not immediately show up and may occur well after they are adopted.

7. Who do you want to adopt?

We think one of the biggest misconceptions about older child adoption is that the process is much like emergency foster care. In emergency foster care, you might get a call in the middle of the night from a case worker who has had to remove a child from their home for any number of reasons. In cases like this, there is not typically a lot known about the child or their history. But this is not the process that we will experience, in fact, we have quite a bit of choice in our process.
After much prayer and consideration, we have decided that we are looking for a little girl between the ages of infant to 12 years old, although she will likely be between 8 and 12 years old. Currently we are primarily considering children who are similar in race to us and have mild issues due to trauma.
Back to top

8. What costs are involved?

Older child adoption is one of the least expensive methods of adoption (although this is not why we chose older child adoption). Our estimated adoption expenses are between $8000-$10,000. Some of the costs that are included in this amount are Bethany Christian Services fees, training fees, finger printing/background/medical reports, legal fees etc. About half of these costs are paid by the time the home study is complete and the second half are paid at the time of placement (not final adoption). Much of this cost can be recuperated through tax breaks and state assistance. We can also apply for grants once our home study is complete.
Of course there are also other costs that are not included in this amount and are not recuperated, such as traveling/hotel fees if the child is out of state and other costs associated with preparing our home for an 8-12 year little girl.
We know many of you may want to help us with some of these costs and we very much appreciate any and all help you may want to give. At this time, however, we are not currently doing any fundraisers or asking for donations. We will likely start some fundraisers as we get closer to placement. The reason we want to wait, is because there is no guarantee that we will be matched and be able to adopt, so we want to be reasonably sure that it is going to happen before we accept help from family and friends. We will send updates when we create fundraisers. With that being said, we know that some of you may be eager to go ahead and start helping so we have started a Go-Fund Me donation page that you can find here:Go-Fund Me.
Back to top

9. Are you sure about this?

We are as sure as we can be. At this point we are SURE that God has called us to this and we are SURE we would love to have a daughter in our home.
Back to top

10. What should I know about your adoption?

The biggest thing to remember as we adopt a child is that there are things that we cannot share with you for legal and privacy reasons and there are things that we simply shouldn't share with you because it is not appropriate. So, if you ask us a question and we dodge it, it's not because we don't love you or don't want you to know, but because it's not appropriate for us to share at that time.

Also, from time to time, we will post or write articles about things that will be helpful to you as friends and family of people who adopt. Sometimes these articles might address things that you should and shouldn't say to an adopted child or sometimes they might be about different behaviors you might see from an adoptive child and how they relate to previous trauma. As we post these articles we will do our best to put links to them here as well, so that you can find them quickly.
Back to top

11. How can I help?

At this point what we need most is prayer. As we said before we are not currently doing any fundraisers or actively seeking donations. Since adoption is not guaranteed we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, however, we have set up a Go-Fund Me page for anyone who wishes to go ahead and donate that can be found here:Go-Fund Me, but again, what we need most now is prayer.

Here are some things you can pray for now:

Pray for us, as we continue to train and study to become adoptive parents.

Pray for our Adoption Specialist (her name is Julie).

Pray for a support system to be built up around us, so that as we experience difficulties, we can rely on that support system.

Pray for our families, as this child will not only be adopted into our lives, but into the lives of our parents and siblings as well.

Pray for our child, who we have not yet met.

Pray that even now, God is healing them and protecting them.

Pray that God is equipping us to help our child heal.

And finally pray for all of the children in the system who need forever families and pray for all families who are considering adoption, that they will make the right choice.